The unproduced script we will be reviewing this time is
called Mermaids, and can be accessed below:
Who Wrote It?
Garry Hicks.
How Long is It?
The script is 106 pages long.
What’s It About?
Four friends, The unemployed Brandon, Doctor Kyle, businessman Derek and
recently-fired builder Sean, head out on a long vacation. Taking a ship
belonging to Derek’s dad, they sail into the Bermuda Triangle, looking for
mermaids and pirate treasure. The four are attacked by a group of sirens, led
by the tyrannical Nemeritas. Sean is kidnapped by the Sirens, but the other
three are rescued by a group of Mermaids, who are led by the benign Lorelei. As
Brandon, Kyle and Derek seek the Mermaids’ help in finding Sean, Sean attempts
to escape from the siren’s island with the help of Nemeritas’ adopted daughter
Chiron.
.
5 Screenwriting Lessons – Mermaids
(The Following May Contain Spoilers)
Create a Unique Mythology – Mermaids have fascinated people
for centuries, and as a result, they have been depicted in numerous works of
fiction. This means that the stories featuring them have to do something
unusual and interesting to stand out. In this script, the Mermaids are depicted
as a benign race, whilst the Sirens are depicted as a hostile enemy. This is a
clever idea, as it highlights and plays with the fact that mermaids were
initially seen as predators who would lure sailors to their doom, a perception
which originated from the depiction of Sirens in Ancient Greek works.
Both sides
have unique cultures and unique powers. The Mermaids have dreams that can
predict the future and have the power to communicate with animals. The Sirens
have shark-like teeth and the ability to control people. These quirks reflect
the nature of both species perfectly – the powers of the Mermaids show that
they are gentle, but also scared of their enemies and the powers of the Sirens emphasise
their predatory traits. If you are depicting supernatural beings in your script, you need
to adhere to the basic rules regarding the species, but apart from those, you
can do anything you wish with them.
Develop the Characters – Of the various prisoners on the
Siren’s Island, the one who is most developed is Joshua. His disappearance is
mentioned early on in the story, he is the most experienced prisoner and he is
the one who kills Nemeritas. He also has an interesting backstory, as he tells
some of his fellow prisoners how difficult it is to work towards freedom
without knowing if he can obtain it, and his emotional reconciliation with his
daughter at the end of the film is one of its most powerful scenes. However, he doesn't get introduced until the
76th page, which reduces his character development, and ensures that
he seems like a deus ex machina who exists solely to save the day.
Characters who influence the outcome of
a story should be introduced early on, especially if they have a developed
personality and an interesting background, as Joshua does.
Of the four
main protagonists, Brandon stands out as the leader of the group. He is the
first one to be introduced, and is the most interested in the idea of mermaid
mythology. Once with the Mermaids, he spends a significant amount of time interacting
with them. He also builds up a romance with Lorelei’s daughter Treena. Whilst
it is love at first sight for him, the growing relationship receives plenty of
attention, and ends with Treena choosing to join the human world. The fact that
Brandon is the member of the group with the greatest role shows that even in large
groups of protagonists, there has to be a distinctive leader to help us get
into the world of the script.
Ensure That the Action is Spectacular
– Mermaids has two
big action sequences. The first of these sees Brandon, Derek and Kyle explore
the ocean on dolphins and get chased by sharks. The sharks are depicted as
advancing with “Big teeth, moving fast”. This description makes the sharks
menacing, as it depicts their advance in a manner that highlights its
inevitability and increases the suspense of the scene as a result.
The climax,
which sees the mermaids and sirens battle over Sean and Chiron’s fate,
represents a far bigger and more important action scene. The big fight is
depicted in short sentences loaded with commas. The style of fighting, with
Mermaids launching themselves at the Sirens “Like A guided Missile” is fast-paced
but coherent, with frequent pauses to show how many combatants are remaining. This
makes it easy to follow, in spite of the large numbers of combatants.
Therefore, it proves to be a memorable sequence, as it is simple but developed with enough detail to stand out.
Make Sure That the Scenery Stands Out
– stories and films
about mermaids are often defined by their vivid and evocative depiction of the
ocean scenery. This script is no exception, as it features a scene where the
Mermaids take Brandon, Derek and Kyle on a journey under the sea. The diversity
of the underwater life is depicted in a manner that shows how amazing it
already is, as the protagonists meet and interact with Sea turtles, octopuses, and
“Other amazing things”. This highlights the fact that the sea is naturally
beautiful and fascinating, and makes it easier to imagine what an experience it
is to see up close and personal.
The script
also places a good deal of emphasis on depicting the island which the
Mermaids and Sirens inhabit. The mermaid’s island, Artagatis, is defined by the
“lush green plants” and “hanging fruits”. Conversely, the siren’s island is shown
to have “half the vegetation” and “Old, wrecked, pirate ship”. These
descriptions give us an insight into the characters inhabiting the islands. The
Mermaids are a peaceful species at one with nature, whilst the Sirens are
destructive scavengers. Even the simplest descriptions of a place can convey
the personality of those inhabiting it, and this should be emphasised when
thinking about how to depict a location.
Have a Firm Grasp on Tone – One of the major flaws with this
script is its tonal inconsistency. In many ways, it resembles a story aimed at
children. The heroes are purely good, and the villains are purely bad. The most
complex character is Chiron, who is torn between obeying Nemeritas and her
growing feelings for Sean. However, the third act revelation that she is in
fact Lorelei’s missing daughter makes the story seem a bit too simplistic, as
it highlights the fact that everyone on both sides is depicted in a simple and
unambiguous light.
The story
also has a rather immature sense of humour. There are several references to
flatulence and other pieces of toilet humour that are more likely to appeal to
children than adults. This would be less of a problem if the characters were
younger, but they are all adult males in their thirties. This makes them seem a
bit juvenile and therefore less likeable. Furthermore, one of the main themes
is the prospect of mating, as the Sirens kidnap Sean so that he can impregnate
Chiron, and the mermaids want Kyle, Derek and Brandon to generate children for
them. This is hardly an appealing subject for children. However, the majority
of the script seems to be focused on a family audience. There is little
violence, and the language is not as crude as you would expect from the four
protagonists. This ensures that the project is stuck between a rock and a hard
place, as it is neither edgy enough to attract a teenage or adult male
audience, nor is it entirely suitable for young children.
Verdict
Overall,
Mermaids is not a particularly strong script. It has a good storyline and
succeeds in depicting the oceans and islands on which the story is set in a
vivid manner. However, it has a number of weaknesses. With the exception of
Joshua and Chiron, none of the characters are particularly interesting, and the
script isn't funny enough and is low on action, although the few action
sequences are described well. Furthermore, it can’t decide whether to aim for
children or adults, and would have been better if it had gone for a single
audience. Whilst its depictions of mermaids are imaginative and the scenery is
colourful, it is often derivative and weak. With a bit more effort invested, it
could have been a highly enjoyable family film or raunchy adult comedy, but it
ultimately turns out to be a sophomoric disappointment.
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