5 Screenwriting Lessons – Collateral

Who Wrote It?

Collateral was written by Stuart Beattie.

How Long is It?

Collateral is 120 minutes long, including credits.

What’s it About?

Collateral follows Max (played by Jamie Foxx), a cab driver in Los Angeles who has been working for years looking for a way to start his own business. His next guest is a mysterious man called Vincent (Played by Tom Cruise), who offers Max $600 to transport him to various LA locations over the course of a single night. Max accepts the offer, but finds out that Vincent is really a hitman contracted to murder five targets during the journey. Forced to continue anyway, Max struggles to find a way to escape as the night progresses.

5 Screenwriting Lessons – Collateral

(The Following May Contain Spoilers)

The Stakes Should Steadily Escalate – As Vincent carries out his five hits, Max is forced to become increasingly involved in his crimes as he tries to prevent them. However, at the start of the story, he is completely passive. The first hit happens in an abrupt and terrifying manner, as the corpse of the victim drops onto the taxi from a nearby window. Max panics when he sees this, shouting and swearing repeatedly, but when Vincent reveals that he was responsible, he does so with a nonchalant “Good guess”, that shows that his actions have not had any effect on him at all, proving that they are almost routine. This establishes Max’s status as a victim, as Vincent’s calm demeanour and his willingness to threaten others and commit violence to achieve his goals place him in complete control of the situation.  The only way that Max can escape from Vincent is if he manages to regain control, and this dynamic allows for increasing tension as the night progresses and his enemy gets closer to his goal.

Switches In Mood Are Important – Sometimes, an elaborate set-up can be used to increase suspense. A notable example of this is in the scene where Vincent carries out his third hit. Stopping at a Jazz bar, he invites the owner to join him and Max at the table and talk about why that genre of music means so much to him. However, when Vincent reveals why he is at the establishment, the scene turns dark abruptly, and the owner is forced to correctly answer a question about the iconic jazz musician Miles Davis, to save his own life. Hearing the owner discuss his backstory makes him into a more sympathetic character, and therefore the viewer wants to see him survive. The fact that Vincent kills him anyway him even more menacing, and highlights the fact that Max lacks the ability to face up to him properly.

Another tense sequence depicts Vincent entering a club to carry out his fourth hit, as a group of cops investigating the case try to execute a stakeout. The sequence is set to loud and up-tempo music and flashing lights. As Vincent tries to get through the crowd to his target and a disorientated Max attempts to escape, the noisy and energetic atmosphere becomes a major distraction. The contrast with the quiet and lonely nature of the majority of settings in the movie, such as Max’s cab, ensures that the club stands out, and its busy nature makes it harder for the characters to fulfil their objectives.

Both Heroes and Villains should be Complex – After he carries out his third hit, Vincent forces Max to stick to his night-time routine by visiting his mother Ida in hospital. However, in the hospital, he behaves with unexpected friendliness and warmth, persuading Max to buy flowers, and striking up a conversation with Ida. The sequence serves two purposes. First of all, it highlights Max’s central flaw, as Ida tells Vincent that “You’d have to hold a gun to his head to make him do anything”. It also makes Vincent seem more human, as he reacts to Ida’s questions with a polite awkwardness that appears genuine, even though he is faking his affection. This makes him even more unnerving, as it ensures it is hard to tell whether or not his statements can be trusted, making him even more difficult to understand.

Meanwhile, Max is defined by his major flaw – an inability to act. Whilst this is common to thriller protagonists, who are expected to start out as passive characters, Max has been spending twelve years waiting for an opportunity to seize his dream. After Vincent kills a policeman who had believed his innocence, Max calls him out on his sociopathic nature. Vincent responds by attacking Max’s cowardice, claiming that his big plans are never going to come to fruition, because he lacks the conviction to make them happen. This turns into an important scene in Max’s character growth, as he defies Vincent, deliberately crashing the cab to ensure that he cannot get to his fifth and final victim. The fact that Max initially lacks commitment means that when he chooses to act, his heroism has a far greater impact then it would if he was active from the beginning.

Make the Extra Characters Significant – The set-up of the movie depicts Max’s interaction with Annie, a friendly lawyer, as she takes his cab to reach her office. In addition to foreshadowing the climax of the movie, where Max has to take action to protect her from Vincent, it allows him to develop as a character and gain our interest. We find out about his dreams of starting a limousine company, and his kindly nature is highlighted when he allows Annie to keep his favourite photograph. Annie is also a well-rounded individual, as she listens sympathetically to Max, and tells him about the various problems she faces when working on her cases. This ensures that the audience wants the two to start a relationship, creating a reason for them to continue watching in the hope that they escape and get their happy ending.

Another character who manages to be memorable in spite of a lack of screen time is Felix, the mobster who has hired Vincent to carry out his various assassinations. Max meets him when he is forced by Vincent to assume his identity and find the information on the last two victims. Felix provides this exposition in the form of a monologue in which he compares himself to Santa Claus and Vincent to Black Peter, a figure who punishes naughty children.  This analogy is both childish and threatening, but manages to convey the key points effectively – Vincent’s targets represent a threat to Felix, and he is being hired to “punish” them. With his offbeat yet menacing personality and a brief mention of his family that serves to humanise him, Felix stands out as a unique and interesting character, and his delivery of the key information is highly intriguing. As a result, the information that Max and the audience need to know stands out, because it is being given in a manner that makes it worth hearing.

Make the Action Sequences Exciting – Because it focuses on characters and atmosphere in a bid to generate suspense, Collateral uses action sequences sparingly. However, when they do occur, they are intense in nature. Most of the violent scenes in the movie are due to the actions of Vincent, who casually carries out his various kills with a high level of brutality. Just after performing his second hit, Vincent returns to find that a pair of muggers have stolen his briefcase from Max. He follows them and shoots them both. Once he has retrieved the item, he notices one of the men writing in pain, and shoots again to finish him off. As well as setting up how important the briefcase is to Vincent, it shows that he reacts to setbacks with a cold efficiency, as the severity of his retaliation is unnecessary, even given the obnoxious nature of the victims and the potential repercussions of their theft. In a very brief and one-sided burst of action, the extent of the threat which Vincent poses to Max is made disturbingly clear.

After the slow-building tension of the first two acts, Collateral climaxes with an elaborate chase sequence, as Max tries to rescue Annie from Vincent. As Vincent cuts the electricity at Annie’s office, the darkness increases the tension of the scene, as it makes it harder for Annie to get out, and places her at a disadvantage. Meanwhile, Vincent uses mirrors to track his target, and this allows him to move without her knowing where he is and what he is doing. Vincent’s increased freedom in this confined space forces Max to react quickly if he wants to save Annie. In chase scenes, the villain should usually have an ability that makes it harder for the heroes to defeat them, and Vincent’s experience and composure make him a formidable opponent.

Conclusion

Collateral is a textbook example of how to make an efficient and engrossing thriller. It uses the classic formula of an initially uncommitted protagonist threatened by a unique and unyielding enemy and forced to take action. However, it does so in an original manner, with its focus on a well-developed lead character and an implacable but fascinating foe. The supporting cast is memorable, and the scenes are directed well, allowing for the escalation in tension that is integral to the story. Overall, it proves that the simplest thriller concepts can be the most impressive if they are well written and contain great characters.

Unproduced Scripts – The Sandman

This time, the unproduced script we are reviewing is The Sandman, which can be accessed here:

http://www.mediafire.com/view/g1cgoov76ddmmlb/THE_SANDMAN.pdf

What’s It About?

Los Angeles 1939. David, a young orphan, is adopted by Doyle, who owns a movie museum. As a birthday present, Doyle gives David the only surviving copy of a mysterious horror movie called “The Sandman”, whose director, John Gabriel, was committed to an asylum following the murder of his wife Elizabeth. Ten years later, David is employed by the businessman James Fairchild to take his blind daughter Alexa to the movies and describe them for her. However, when the reel containing “The Sandman” is stolen, David and Alexa find themselves caught in a conflict between the sadistic gangster Maximillian Graves and the mysterious Sandman, the titular monster from the movie who may or may or may not exist for real.

How Long Is It?

The Sandman is 105 pages long.

5 Screenwriting Lessons – The Sandman

(The Following May Contain Spoilers)

Characters Need To Face Their Fears – David’s most notable flaw is his claustrophobia. It is first set up in a simple but effective manner when he has a brief anxiety attack in Fairchild’s car, and it hinders him throughout his mission, during which he is often forced to go into several dark and small spaces. In the climax, he has to face up to his fears when Graves locks him inside a drawer in an underground morgue. The presence of this flaw increases the tension during the climax and ensures David has a character arc – he has become a stronger and more proactive character as a result of successfully facing up to his insecurities. Character growth such as this defines an effective protagonist.

Not all of the fears that the characters face are as direct and tangible as David’s. Some are based on guilt and inadequacy. As the story progresses, David seeks out Valentine Fitzgerald, a washed-up actor and friend of John Gabriel, to solve the mystery regarding the Sandman. After a visit to the asylum in which Gabriel was interred, Valentine admits that he feels responsible for the death of his wife, who killed herself following a miscarriage. Because we have grown to like Valentine, his revelation hits hard, and we are soon rooting for him to redeem himself, which he eventually does in the climax. Having to face up to a flaw forces a protagonist to grow in order to tackle it, and makes them far more interesting.

Avoid The Stereotypical – The set-up of “The Sandman” involving a terrifying monster and an allegedly cursed film, sounds like a typical horror movie. When David first sees him as a child, the Sandman is depicted as an ominous figure, threatening him over the film reel and making enigmatic and threatening comments such as “You’re willing to die for the sake of a film. One day you might get the chance.” This perception steadily changes as the Sandman cryptic comments turn out to contain clues that lead David towards the true story of what happened to John Gabriel. In the third act, the Sandman is revealed to be Gabriel, disfigured by an Arson attack on the Sunnyvale Asylum, and willing to die in order to protect David.  By making the Sandman into a tragic and realistic figure, the script ensures that he stands out from the monstrous stereotype expected from his introduction.

This is also true for the villain, Maximillian Graves. When he is introduced, Graves is set up as a stereotypical sadistic thug. This is even highlighted in the description of him, which likens him to Al Capone. As the story progresses, we find out that Graves’ motives are far deeper and more personal than a simple desire for money at all costs; he is a former classmate of Gabriel who hated being upstaged by him constantly and created an elaborate scheme to wreak his revenge. This makes Graves a more plausible and threatening villain, as his insecurity and resentment are easy to understand, but the lengths to which he will go in order to assert his superiority over his former rival make him even more dangerous.

Gothic Films Need Gothic Scenery – The Sandman makes frequent use of the dark, mysterious scenery commonly associated with Gothic movies. One example of this is in the depiction of Wild Manor, the deserted estate on which Gabriel filmed “The Sandman”. The various items inside include a “dusty, gloomy, cobwebbed” chandelier and a boarded-up door which “used to be elegant years ago”. These items show that the building was once opulent, but has now fallen into a derelict state. This contrast between the beauty of the building and its state of disrepair provides an interesting foundation for mystery and intrigue, and this is always the basis for a good gothic mystery.

Another memorable location is the set of tunnels which David and Valentine head through on their way to the final confrontation with Graves. The tunnels are an “endless, nightmarish maze” full of “shadowy” passages. This is a simple and efficient way to show that they are mysterious and threatening. In the descriptions for both Wild Manor and the underground tunnels, the use of dark and gloomy imagery sets an ominous tone which increases tension and makes it easier for the reader to visualise what is happening. This makes the script more memorable and ensures that the audience want to read on.

Understand What Makes A Movie Great – David first meets Doyle in the Museum of Lost Souls, a movie museum that gets its name from Doyle’s belief that movies reflect the souls of their makers and viewers. The descriptions of the museum reflect the excitement and mystery it contains, as David, who is a keen artist but has never seen a film in his life, finds himself amazed by the “world of wonders” containing heroes, villains and all the other memorable characters that make a movie great. This reflects the mystique that movies should have, as they allow viewers to visit all sorts of situations and worlds that are unique and fascinating.  

This focus on the magic of film is highlighted through the frequent references to famous stories and poems. Valentine frequently alludes to stories by Edgar Allen Poe and Greek Mythology. Alexa’s favourite poem is Tennyson’s “The Lady of Shallot”, whose confined existence parallels her own, as well as that of the Sandman. Even Graves enjoys quoting WB Yeats. This use of the literary arts reflects the fact that filmmaking is a creative medium too, and emphasises the fact that it is just as valid and important as the older types of storytelling.

Inevitability Increases Suspense – The dangers which David will face are foreshadowed early in the film when he meets a gypsy fortune teller. She gives him three Tarot cards: “Loss and loneliness” for the past, a “terrible danger” for the present and a “reflection of death” for the future. The last two cards are intriguing, as the reader has no idea of exactly what the “terrible danger” is, and how it involves the mysterious Sandman. Furthermore, they are left wondering what the fortune teller means when she tells David about a “reflection of death”. Neither of these prophecies can be understood until later on in the story, which ensures that audience continues reading.

Another way in which the script increases suspense through information only the audience knows is by drawing attention to the parallels between David and Gabriel. Both are obsessed with films, and are in love with the beautiful daughters of upper-class tycoons. This serves two purposes: First of all, it foreshadows the climactic reveal that David is Gabriel’s son. Secondly, it highlights the possibility that David’s relationship with Alexa could end in tragedy like Gabriel’s romance with his leading lady Elizabeth Wild. Because both David and Alexa are interesting characters, and their connection with each other is depicted in a truthful and interesting manner, the prospect of disaster worries the viewer, but also intrigues them, as they want to know what exactly it will be and how it will impact both protagonists.

Verdict

The Sandman is a unique and atmospheric script which deserves to be made into a film. The characters are all interesting and memorable. The heroes have a number of realistic flaws and quirks, and the villain is both threatening and well-developed. The scenery is depicted vividly, skilfully conveying both the darkness of some locations and the magic of others, whilst foreshadowing is used in a clever manner that increases suspense. Most importantly, the writer understands why movies are so popular and iconic; They are the results of creative imaginations, and they inspire people. This love of film makes the screenplay stand out, and, as a result, it is highly recommended.

Unproduced Scripts - Offline

The unproduced script we are reviewing this time is called Offline, and can be accessed below:

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/Offline.pdf

Who Wrote It?

Gary Rowlands

How Long is It?

The Script is 98 pages long.

What's it about?

When troubled teenager Dave Fletcher is hit by a van, he wakes from his near-death experience with two broken legs. Confined to bed, he whiles away his time on a computer and soon strikes up a relationship with Debbie, an online model. However, he soon finds out that she has been murdered by a serial killer and her ghost will be unable to rest until the culprit is caught. This sets Dave on a race against time to find the "Lunar Looney" before they strike again at the next full moon.

5 Screenwriting Lessons - Offline
(The Following May Contain spoilers)

Confining the Characters Increases Tension - The idea of a murder mystery with a bedridden protagonist is not new - the concept was famously used in Hitchcock's iconic thriller Rear Window. The reason why it is so effective is that it puts the protagonist at a disadvantage. How can you investigate if you are unable to go out and physically search for evidence? Offline allows Dave to search for evidence by making him a computer expert. He once got into trouble for hacking the database, and he uses his technology skills to find information on the case and suspects. In the end, this allows him to find out that Trexler is the killer, as he spots inconsistencies in her statements on the case that reveal how much she actually knows about it. The fact that Dave's disabilities are balanced out by his intellectual capabilities makes him an interesting protagonist, as he is immobile but rarely helpless.

Ensure That the Red Herrings Feel Plausible - One problem with murder mysteries is the fact that it can be too easy to figure out who the killer is, especially if there are few characters in the film. Offline does not have many characters, so the need to reduce predictability is especially important. Apart from the wholly innocent Debbie and a mystic who tries to give out terrified information, everyone else in the script, even Dave is a possible suspect. Two of the potential perpetrators are completely unseen, reduced only to images on a computer screen. Although their status as Red Herrings is to be expected (You don't introduce a character just to prove them guilty) they would be more interesting if they were better developed and more involved in the action. Given that the confined nature of the story is one of its biggest advantages, the best way to handle this would be through online chats that allow Dave to interrogate the suspects in spite of the fact that he is confined to his bed.

One very effective red herring is the mysterious trucker who resurrects Dave at the beginning of the story. With his scary appearance and terrifying tattoos, he looks like a surefire antagonist. This is compounded by the creepy nature of his van, and the fact that we see bloody hands against the window, setting him up as someone to fear. At the end, we find out that the character is the Grim Reaper himself, and his van takes evildoers to hell, but he is an antihero rather than a villain. It is implied that he resurrected Dave so that the killer could be found, and he finishes by scaring away the demon that Trexler unleashed, restoring the dominance of good. This shows how an apparent stock villain can turn out to be a far more interesting and unconventional character.

You Need To Root For Your Protagonist – Because he is the sole protagonist, it is important for audiences to be able to root for Dave in order to enjoy the script. This is managed in a number of ways. For example, his relationship with Debbie provides him with depth and likeability. It begins with an awkward meeting on the Internet, but the two are soon chatting about a key interest that they both share; horror films and thrillers such as Memento. Within a few days, Dave is confiding his personal secrets to her. The progression of this relationship feels sweet and truthful, so When Dave finds out that Debbie has been dead for over a month, the revolution has an effect because we have grown interested in their romance, and the fact that it will never be able to continue is a devastating shock.

There are a few instances where Dave commits questionable actions, such as contemplating whether to stab his stepmother Linda in a brief period where he thinks that he is guilty of Debbie's murder. Whilst we are disgusted by what he has considered doing, Linda's mentally unstable and abusive nature (She has withheld his pills and destroyed all of his prize possessions) makes his behaviour easy to understand. Furthermore, when Dave realises that he can’t do the deed in spite of the hatred he feels towards Linda, we realise that he certainly would not murder anyone else and is therefore innocent, which makes it easier to support him later on.

Keep the Tension High, Even During the Climax - Whilst Offline is generally an effective script, the least impressive part is the climax. The twist, that the seemingly friendly Detective Trexler is the killer (She has also been playing the part of the helpful medium Mei), makes sense in retrospect, but the final act sees her give a clichéd rant about why she committed her crimes. Whilst her complicated scheme is explained quickly and effectively by the fact she's a sadist, it would have been a lot more effective if we were let in on some aspects of her backstory without being told of them, such as the fact that she lost an eye and the fact that she is not a real cop. Reducing the time spent giving an evil monologue would have made Trexler a more interesting and less conventional villain.

Another weak point is the final battle between Dave and Trexler. It features Trexler using Dave's blood to open the gates of hell, which causes everything in the house (including the bed) to fly into the air and various disgusting items, such as faeces and flies, to surface. Whilst it is memorable, it is too over-the-top and gross, losing a lot of the subtlety and creativity that defined the previous two acts. Whilst the script depends on translating the horror of the supernatural to a poorly-maintained and dilapidated setting, scaring the viewer should be more important than making them feel disgusted. Because of the lack of subtlety, the climax never feels scary. Therefore, it lacks the impact that it should have had, given the quality of the first two acts.

Good Descriptions Can Make A Character Even More Interesting – One of the strongest aspects of the script is the description of characters. Dave is introduced with a mention of his “Angelic face”.  This shows that, in spite of his flaws, he will be a fundamentally good character and the audience should support him. This also applies to Debbie, who is depicted as vivacious and innocent. The mention of the song “Brown Eyed Girl” in the introductory description refers not only to her eye colour, but also to her lively nature. This sets her up as a likeable and appealing character, but also foreshadows the fact that something will happen to her (In this case, it has already happened) as she is too good to be true.

The descriptions are also used to further the mystery. When Detective Trexler is introduced, she is described as being “Quirky” and having a “Kind Face”. These descriptions make her seem like a friendly character similar to Debbie, and this means that the audience trusts her. As a result, the reveal of her true personality comes across as a surprise.

Verdict

For the most part, Offline is a strong script. The use of the supernatural allows it to put a unique spin on its conventional storyline, the descriptions are striking and evocative, and the characters are worth following. However, it loses a lot of its power in the third act. Whilst the twists are both unpredictable and logical, the villain spends too much time ranting and the final fight is overblown. However, Offline is still interesting to read, and with a few changes to the climax, it could be made into a very interesting horror thriller.