The unproduced script we are reviewing this time is called Offline, and can be accessed below:
Who Wrote It?
Gary Rowlands
How Long is It?
The Script is 98 pages long.
What's it about?
When troubled teenager Dave Fletcher is hit by a van, he
wakes from his near-death experience with two broken legs. Confined to bed, he whiles
away his time on a computer and soon strikes up a relationship with Debbie, an
online model. However, he soon finds out that she has been murdered by a serial killer and her
ghost will be unable to rest until the culprit is caught. This sets Dave on a
race against time to find the "Lunar Looney" before they strike again
at the next full moon.
5
Screenwriting Lessons - Offline
(The Following May Contain spoilers)
(The Following May Contain spoilers)
Confining the
Characters Increases Tension - The idea of a murder mystery with a
bedridden protagonist is not new - the concept was famously used in Hitchcock's
iconic thriller Rear Window. The
reason why it is so effective is that it puts the protagonist at a
disadvantage. How can you investigate if you are unable to go out and
physically search for evidence? Offline allows Dave to search for evidence by
making him a computer expert. He once got into trouble for hacking the
database, and he uses his technology skills to find information on the case and
suspects. In the end, this allows him to find out that Trexler is the killer,
as he spots inconsistencies in her statements on the case that reveal how much
she actually knows about it. The fact that Dave's disabilities are balanced out
by his intellectual capabilities makes him an interesting protagonist, as he is
immobile but rarely helpless.
Ensure That the Red
Herrings Feel Plausible - One problem with murder mysteries is the fact
that it can be too easy to figure out who the killer is, especially if there
are few characters in the film. Offline does not have many characters, so the
need to reduce predictability is especially important. Apart from the wholly
innocent Debbie and a mystic who tries to give out terrified information,
everyone else in the script, even Dave is a possible suspect. Two of the
potential perpetrators are completely unseen, reduced only to images on a
computer screen. Although their status as Red Herrings is to be expected (You
don't introduce a character just to prove them guilty) they would be more
interesting if they were better developed and more involved in the action.
Given that the confined nature of the story is one of its biggest advantages,
the best way to handle this would be through online chats that allow Dave to
interrogate the suspects in spite of the fact that he is confined to his bed.
One very effective red herring is the mysterious trucker who
resurrects Dave at the beginning of the story. With his scary appearance and
terrifying tattoos, he looks like a surefire antagonist. This is compounded by
the creepy nature of his van, and the fact that we see bloody hands against the
window, setting him up as someone to fear. At the end, we find out that the
character is the Grim Reaper himself, and his van takes evildoers to hell, but
he is an antihero rather than a villain. It is implied that he resurrected Dave
so that the killer could be found, and he finishes by scaring away the demon that
Trexler unleashed, restoring the dominance of good. This shows how an apparent stock
villain can turn out to be a far more interesting and unconventional character.
You Need To Root For Your Protagonist
– Because he is the sole protagonist, it is important for audiences to be able
to root for Dave in order to enjoy the script. This is managed in a number of
ways. For example, his relationship with Debbie provides him with depth and
likeability. It begins with an awkward meeting on the Internet, but the two are
soon chatting about a key interest that they both share; horror films and
thrillers such as Memento. Within a few days, Dave is confiding his personal
secrets to her. The progression of this relationship feels sweet and truthful,
so When Dave finds out that Debbie has been dead for over a month, the
revolution has an effect because we have grown interested in their romance, and
the fact that it will never be able to continue is a devastating shock.
There are a few instances where Dave commits questionable
actions, such as contemplating whether to stab his stepmother Linda in a brief
period where he thinks that he is guilty of Debbie's murder. Whilst we are
disgusted by what he has considered doing, Linda's mentally unstable and
abusive nature (She has withheld his pills and destroyed all of his prize
possessions) makes his behaviour easy to understand. Furthermore, when Dave
realises that he can’t do the deed in spite of the hatred he feels towards
Linda, we realise that he certainly would not murder anyone else and is
therefore innocent, which makes it easier to support him later on.
Keep the Tension
High, Even During the Climax - Whilst Offline is generally an effective
script, the least impressive part is the climax. The twist, that the seemingly
friendly Detective Trexler is the killer (She has also been playing the part of
the helpful medium Mei), makes sense in retrospect, but the final act sees her
give a clichéd rant about why she committed her crimes. Whilst her complicated
scheme is explained quickly and effectively by the fact she's a sadist, it
would have been a lot more effective if we were let in on some aspects of her
backstory without being told of them, such as the fact that she lost an eye and
the fact that she is not a real cop. Reducing the time spent giving an evil
monologue would have made Trexler a more interesting and less conventional villain.
Another weak point is the final battle between Dave and
Trexler. It features Trexler using Dave's blood to open the gates of hell,
which causes everything in the house (including the bed) to fly into the air
and various disgusting items, such as faeces and flies, to surface. Whilst it
is memorable, it is too over-the-top and gross, losing a lot of the subtlety
and creativity that defined the previous two acts. Whilst the script depends on
translating the horror of the supernatural to a poorly-maintained and
dilapidated setting, scaring the viewer should be more important than making
them feel disgusted. Because of the lack of subtlety, the climax never feels
scary. Therefore, it lacks the impact that it should have had, given the
quality of the first two acts.
Good Descriptions Can
Make A Character Even More Interesting – One of the strongest aspects of
the script is the description of characters. Dave is introduced with a mention of
his “Angelic face”. This shows that, in
spite of his flaws, he will be a fundamentally good character and the audience
should support him. This also applies to Debbie, who is depicted as vivacious
and innocent. The mention of the song “Brown Eyed Girl” in the introductory
description refers not only to her eye colour, but also to her lively nature.
This sets her up as a likeable and appealing character, but also foreshadows
the fact that something will happen to her (In this case, it has already
happened) as she is too good to be true.
The descriptions are also used to further the mystery. When
Detective Trexler is introduced, she is described as being “Quirky” and having
a “Kind Face”. These descriptions make her seem like a friendly character
similar to Debbie, and this means that the audience trusts her. As a result,
the reveal of her true personality comes across as a surprise.
Verdict
For the most part, Offline is a strong script. The use of
the supernatural allows it to put a unique spin on its conventional storyline,
the descriptions are striking and evocative, and the characters are worth
following. However, it loses a lot of its power in the third act. Whilst the
twists are both unpredictable and logical, the villain spends too much time
ranting and the final fight is overblown. However, Offline is still interesting
to read, and with a few changes to the climax, it could be made into a very
interesting horror thriller.
No comments:
Post a Comment