MoviePoet - The Best Short Scripts

You might be getting used to the in-depth film and script reviews posted on this site, but here is something different.

One of my favorite screenwriting sites, MoviePoet, is closing down tomorrow. MoviePoet was a site where amateur and professional screenwriters could submit short scripts for monthly competitions. These scripts were usually up to five pages long, but some of the competitions challenged participants to make shorts, single-page scripts and even feature-length screenplays. 

During the eight years in which the site operated, over 2400 scripts have been submitted on it. Below are five of the best. All of these won the monthly competitions with over 40% of users giving them an "Excellent" rating. Click on the script title to read them.

Christmas Cards by David M. Troop

Les Garcons by JeanPierre Chapoteau

Saved My Bacon by Tim Westland

The Tower of Wishes by Matias Caruso

Wheel by Dan Delgado

All of these scripts are published here with the permission of the authors. 

Unproduced Scripts – The Sandman

This time, the unproduced script we are reviewing is The Sandman, which can be accessed here:

http://www.mediafire.com/view/g1cgoov76ddmmlb/THE_SANDMAN.pdf

What’s It About?

Los Angeles 1939. David, a young orphan, is adopted by Doyle, who owns a movie museum. As a birthday present, Doyle gives David the only surviving copy of a mysterious horror movie called “The Sandman”, whose director, John Gabriel, was committed to an asylum following the murder of his wife Elizabeth. Ten years later, David is employed by the businessman James Fairchild to take his blind daughter Alexa to the movies and describe them for her. However, when the reel containing “The Sandman” is stolen, David and Alexa find themselves caught in a conflict between the sadistic gangster Maximillian Graves and the mysterious Sandman, the titular monster from the movie who may or may or may not exist for real.

How Long Is It?

The Sandman is 105 pages long.

5 Screenwriting Lessons – The Sandman

(The Following May Contain Spoilers)

Characters Need To Face Their Fears – David’s most notable flaw is his claustrophobia. It is first set up in a simple but effective manner when he has a brief anxiety attack in Fairchild’s car, and it hinders him throughout his mission, during which he is often forced to go into several dark and small spaces. In the climax, he has to face up to his fears when Graves locks him inside a drawer in an underground morgue. The presence of this flaw increases the tension during the climax and ensures David has a character arc – he has become a stronger and more proactive character as a result of successfully facing up to his insecurities. Character growth such as this defines an effective protagonist.

Not all of the fears that the characters face are as direct and tangible as David’s. Some are based on guilt and inadequacy. As the story progresses, David seeks out Valentine Fitzgerald, a washed-up actor and friend of John Gabriel, to solve the mystery regarding the Sandman. After a visit to the asylum in which Gabriel was interred, Valentine admits that he feels responsible for the death of his wife, who killed herself following a miscarriage. Because we have grown to like Valentine, his revelation hits hard, and we are soon rooting for him to redeem himself, which he eventually does in the climax. Having to face up to a flaw forces a protagonist to grow in order to tackle it, and makes them far more interesting.

Avoid The Stereotypical – The set-up of “The Sandman” involving a terrifying monster and an allegedly cursed film, sounds like a typical horror movie. When David first sees him as a child, the Sandman is depicted as an ominous figure, threatening him over the film reel and making enigmatic and threatening comments such as “You’re willing to die for the sake of a film. One day you might get the chance.” This perception steadily changes as the Sandman cryptic comments turn out to contain clues that lead David towards the true story of what happened to John Gabriel. In the third act, the Sandman is revealed to be Gabriel, disfigured by an Arson attack on the Sunnyvale Asylum, and willing to die in order to protect David.  By making the Sandman into a tragic and realistic figure, the script ensures that he stands out from the monstrous stereotype expected from his introduction.

This is also true for the villain, Maximillian Graves. When he is introduced, Graves is set up as a stereotypical sadistic thug. This is even highlighted in the description of him, which likens him to Al Capone. As the story progresses, we find out that Graves’ motives are far deeper and more personal than a simple desire for money at all costs; he is a former classmate of Gabriel who hated being upstaged by him constantly and created an elaborate scheme to wreak his revenge. This makes Graves a more plausible and threatening villain, as his insecurity and resentment are easy to understand, but the lengths to which he will go in order to assert his superiority over his former rival make him even more dangerous.

Gothic Films Need Gothic Scenery – The Sandman makes frequent use of the dark, mysterious scenery commonly associated with Gothic movies. One example of this is in the depiction of Wild Manor, the deserted estate on which Gabriel filmed “The Sandman”. The various items inside include a “dusty, gloomy, cobwebbed” chandelier and a boarded-up door which “used to be elegant years ago”. These items show that the building was once opulent, but has now fallen into a derelict state. This contrast between the beauty of the building and its state of disrepair provides an interesting foundation for mystery and intrigue, and this is always the basis for a good gothic mystery.

Another memorable location is the set of tunnels which David and Valentine head through on their way to the final confrontation with Graves. The tunnels are an “endless, nightmarish maze” full of “shadowy” passages. This is a simple and efficient way to show that they are mysterious and threatening. In the descriptions for both Wild Manor and the underground tunnels, the use of dark and gloomy imagery sets an ominous tone which increases tension and makes it easier for the reader to visualise what is happening. This makes the script more memorable and ensures that the audience want to read on.

Understand What Makes A Movie Great – David first meets Doyle in the Museum of Lost Souls, a movie museum that gets its name from Doyle’s belief that movies reflect the souls of their makers and viewers. The descriptions of the museum reflect the excitement and mystery it contains, as David, who is a keen artist but has never seen a film in his life, finds himself amazed by the “world of wonders” containing heroes, villains and all the other memorable characters that make a movie great. This reflects the mystique that movies should have, as they allow viewers to visit all sorts of situations and worlds that are unique and fascinating.  

This focus on the magic of film is highlighted through the frequent references to famous stories and poems. Valentine frequently alludes to stories by Edgar Allen Poe and Greek Mythology. Alexa’s favourite poem is Tennyson’s “The Lady of Shallot”, whose confined existence parallels her own, as well as that of the Sandman. Even Graves enjoys quoting WB Yeats. This use of the literary arts reflects the fact that filmmaking is a creative medium too, and emphasises the fact that it is just as valid and important as the older types of storytelling.

Inevitability Increases Suspense – The dangers which David will face are foreshadowed early in the film when he meets a gypsy fortune teller. She gives him three Tarot cards: “Loss and loneliness” for the past, a “terrible danger” for the present and a “reflection of death” for the future. The last two cards are intriguing, as the reader has no idea of exactly what the “terrible danger” is, and how it involves the mysterious Sandman. Furthermore, they are left wondering what the fortune teller means when she tells David about a “reflection of death”. Neither of these prophecies can be understood until later on in the story, which ensures that audience continues reading.

Another way in which the script increases suspense through information only the audience knows is by drawing attention to the parallels between David and Gabriel. Both are obsessed with films, and are in love with the beautiful daughters of upper-class tycoons. This serves two purposes: First of all, it foreshadows the climactic reveal that David is Gabriel’s son. Secondly, it highlights the possibility that David’s relationship with Alexa could end in tragedy like Gabriel’s romance with his leading lady Elizabeth Wild. Because both David and Alexa are interesting characters, and their connection with each other is depicted in a truthful and interesting manner, the prospect of disaster worries the viewer, but also intrigues them, as they want to know what exactly it will be and how it will impact both protagonists.

Verdict

The Sandman is a unique and atmospheric script which deserves to be made into a film. The characters are all interesting and memorable. The heroes have a number of realistic flaws and quirks, and the villain is both threatening and well-developed. The scenery is depicted vividly, skilfully conveying both the darkness of some locations and the magic of others, whilst foreshadowing is used in a clever manner that increases suspense. Most importantly, the writer understands why movies are so popular and iconic; They are the results of creative imaginations, and they inspire people. This love of film makes the screenplay stand out, and, as a result, it is highly recommended.

Unproduced Scripts - Mermaids

The unproduced script we will be reviewing this time is called Mermaids, and can be accessed below:

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/screenplaymermaids.pdf

Who Wrote It?

Garry Hicks.

How Long is It?

The script is 106 pages long.

What’s It About?

Four friends, The unemployed Brandon, Doctor Kyle, businessman Derek and recently-fired builder Sean,  head out on a long vacation. Taking a ship belonging to Derek’s dad, they sail into the Bermuda Triangle, looking for mermaids and pirate treasure. The four are attacked by a group of sirens, led by the tyrannical Nemeritas. Sean is kidnapped by the Sirens, but the other three are rescued by a group of Mermaids, who are led by the benign Lorelei. As Brandon, Kyle and Derek seek the Mermaids’ help in finding Sean, Sean attempts to escape from the siren’s island with the help of Nemeritas’ adopted daughter Chiron.

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5 Screenwriting Lessons – Mermaids

(The Following May Contain Spoilers)

Create a Unique Mythology – Mermaids have fascinated people for centuries, and as a result, they have been depicted in numerous works of fiction. This means that the stories featuring them have to do something unusual and interesting to stand out. In this script, the Mermaids are depicted as a benign race, whilst the Sirens are depicted as a hostile enemy. This is a clever idea, as it highlights and plays with the fact that mermaids were initially seen as predators who would lure sailors to their doom, a perception which originated from the depiction of Sirens in Ancient Greek works.  

Both sides have unique cultures and unique powers. The Mermaids have dreams that can predict the future and have the power to communicate with animals. The Sirens have shark-like teeth and the ability to control people. These quirks reflect the nature of both species perfectly – the powers of the Mermaids show that they are gentle, but also scared of their enemies and the powers of the Sirens emphasise their predatory traits. If you are depicting supernatural beings in your script, you need to adhere to the basic rules regarding the species, but apart from those, you can do anything you wish with them.

Develop the Characters – Of the various prisoners on the Siren’s Island, the one who is most developed is Joshua. His disappearance is mentioned early on in the story, he is the most experienced prisoner and he is the one who kills Nemeritas. He also has an interesting backstory, as he tells some of his fellow prisoners how difficult it is to work towards freedom without knowing if he can obtain it, and his emotional reconciliation with his daughter at the end of the film is one of its most powerful scenes.  However, he doesn't get introduced until the 76^th page, which reduces his character development, and ensures that he seems like a deus ex machina who exists solely to save the day.  Characters who influence the outcome of a story should be introduced early on, especially if they have a developed personality and an interesting background, as Joshua does.

Of the four main protagonists, Brandon stands out as the leader of the group. He is the first one to be introduced, and is the most interested in the idea of mermaid mythology. Once with the Mermaids, he spends a significant amount of time interacting with them. He also builds up a romance with Lorelei’s daughter Treena. Whilst it is love at first sight for him, the growing relationship receives plenty of attention, and ends with Treena choosing to join the human world. The fact that Brandon is the member of the group with the greatest role shows that even in large groups of protagonists, there has to be a distinctive leader to help us get into the world of the script.

Ensure That the Action is Spectacular – Mermaids has two big action sequences. The first of these sees Brandon, Derek and Kyle explore the ocean on dolphins and get chased by sharks. The sharks are depicted as advancing with “Big teeth, moving fast”. This description makes the sharks menacing, as it depicts their advance in a manner that highlights its inevitability and increases the suspense of the scene as a result.

The climax, which sees the mermaids and sirens battle over Sean and Chiron’s fate, represents a far bigger and more important action scene. The big fight is depicted in short sentences loaded with commas. The style of fighting, with Mermaids launching themselves at the Sirens “Like A guided Missile” is fast-paced but coherent, with frequent pauses to show how many combatants are remaining. This makes it easy to follow, in spite of the large numbers of combatants. Therefore, it proves to be a memorable sequence, as it is simple but developed with enough detail to stand out.

Make Sure That the Scenery Stands Out – stories and films about mermaids are often defined by their vivid and evocative depiction of the ocean scenery. This script is no exception, as it features a scene where the Mermaids take Brandon, Derek and Kyle on a journey under the sea. The diversity of the underwater life is depicted in a manner that shows how amazing it already is, as the protagonists meet and interact with Sea turtles, octopuses, and “Other amazing things”. This highlights the fact that the sea is naturally beautiful and fascinating, and makes it easier to imagine what an experience it is to see up close and personal.

The script also places a good deal of emphasis on depicting the island which the Mermaids and Sirens inhabit. The mermaid’s island, Artagatis, is defined by the “lush green plants” and “hanging fruits”. Conversely, the siren’s island is shown to have “half the vegetation” and “Old, wrecked, pirate ship”. These descriptions give us an insight into the characters inhabiting the islands. The Mermaids are a peaceful species at one with nature, whilst the Sirens are destructive scavengers. Even the simplest descriptions of a place can convey the personality of those inhabiting it, and this should be emphasised when thinking about how to depict a location.

Have a Firm Grasp on Tone – One of the major flaws with this script is its tonal inconsistency. In many ways, it resembles a story aimed at children. The heroes are purely good, and the villains are purely bad. The most complex character is Chiron, who is torn between obeying Nemeritas and her growing feelings for Sean. However, the third act revelation that she is in fact Lorelei’s missing daughter makes the story seem a bit too simplistic, as it highlights the fact that everyone on both sides is depicted in a simple and unambiguous light.

The story also has a rather immature sense of humour. There are several references to flatulence and other pieces of toilet humour that are more likely to appeal to children than adults. This would be less of a problem if the characters were younger, but they are all adult males in their thirties. This makes them seem a bit juvenile and therefore less likeable. Furthermore, one of the main themes is the prospect of mating, as the Sirens kidnap Sean so that he can impregnate Chiron, and the mermaids want Kyle, Derek and Brandon to generate children for them. This is hardly an appealing subject for children. However, the majority of the script seems to be focused on a family audience. There is little violence, and the language is not as crude as you would expect from the four protagonists. This ensures that the project is stuck between a rock and a hard place, as it is neither edgy enough to attract a teenage or adult male audience, nor is it entirely suitable for young children.

Verdict

Overall, Mermaids is not a particularly strong script. It has a good storyline and succeeds in depicting the oceans and islands on which the story is set in a vivid manner. However, it has a number of weaknesses. With the exception of Joshua and Chiron, none of the characters are particularly interesting, and the script isn't funny enough and is low on action, although the few action sequences are described well. Furthermore, it can’t decide whether to aim for children or adults, and would have been better if it had gone for a single audience. Whilst its depictions of mermaids are imaginative and the scenery is colourful, it is often derivative and weak. With a bit more effort invested, it could have been a highly enjoyable family film or raunchy adult comedy, but it ultimately turns out to be a sophomoric disappointment.

Unproduced Scripts - Offline

The unproduced script we are reviewing this time is called Offline, and can be accessed below:

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/Offline.pdf

Who Wrote It?

Gary Rowlands

How Long is It?

The Script is 98 pages long.

What's it about?

When troubled teenager Dave Fletcher is hit by a van, he wakes from his near-death experience with two broken legs. Confined to bed, he whiles away his time on a computer and soon strikes up a relationship with Debbie, an online model. However, he soon finds out that she has been murdered by a serial killer and her ghost will be unable to rest until the culprit is caught. This sets Dave on a race against time to find the "Lunar Looney" before they strike again at the next full moon.

5 Screenwriting Lessons - Offline
(The Following May Contain spoilers)

Confining the Characters Increases Tension - The idea of a murder mystery with a bedridden protagonist is not new - the concept was famously used in Hitchcock's iconic thriller Rear Window. The reason why it is so effective is that it puts the protagonist at a disadvantage. How can you investigate if you are unable to go out and physically search for evidence? Offline allows Dave to search for evidence by making him a computer expert. He once got into trouble for hacking the database, and he uses his technology skills to find information on the case and suspects. In the end, this allows him to find out that Trexler is the killer, as he spots inconsistencies in her statements on the case that reveal how much she actually knows about it. The fact that Dave's disabilities are balanced out by his intellectual capabilities makes him an interesting protagonist, as he is immobile but rarely helpless.

Ensure That the Red Herrings Feel Plausible - One problem with murder mysteries is the fact that it can be too easy to figure out who the killer is, especially if there are few characters in the film. Offline does not have many characters, so the need to reduce predictability is especially important. Apart from the wholly innocent Debbie and a mystic who tries to give out terrified information, everyone else in the script, even Dave is a possible suspect. Two of the potential perpetrators are completely unseen, reduced only to images on a computer screen. Although their status as Red Herrings is to be expected (You don't introduce a character just to prove them guilty) they would be more interesting if they were better developed and more involved in the action. Given that the confined nature of the story is one of its biggest advantages, the best way to handle this would be through online chats that allow Dave to interrogate the suspects in spite of the fact that he is confined to his bed.

One very effective red herring is the mysterious trucker who resurrects Dave at the beginning of the story. With his scary appearance and terrifying tattoos, he looks like a surefire antagonist. This is compounded by the creepy nature of his van, and the fact that we see bloody hands against the window, setting him up as someone to fear. At the end, we find out that the character is the Grim Reaper himself, and his van takes evildoers to hell, but he is an antihero rather than a villain. It is implied that he resurrected Dave so that the killer could be found, and he finishes by scaring away the demon that Trexler unleashed, restoring the dominance of good. This shows how an apparent stock villain can turn out to be a far more interesting and unconventional character.

You Need To Root For Your Protagonist – Because he is the sole protagonist, it is important for audiences to be able to root for Dave in order to enjoy the script. This is managed in a number of ways. For example, his relationship with Debbie provides him with depth and likeability. It begins with an awkward meeting on the Internet, but the two are soon chatting about a key interest that they both share; horror films and thrillers such as Memento. Within a few days, Dave is confiding his personal secrets to her. The progression of this relationship feels sweet and truthful, so When Dave finds out that Debbie has been dead for over a month, the revolution has an effect because we have grown interested in their romance, and the fact that it will never be able to continue is a devastating shock.

There are a few instances where Dave commits questionable actions, such as contemplating whether to stab his stepmother Linda in a brief period where he thinks that he is guilty of Debbie's murder. Whilst we are disgusted by what he has considered doing, Linda's mentally unstable and abusive nature (She has withheld his pills and destroyed all of his prize possessions) makes his behaviour easy to understand. Furthermore, when Dave realises that he can’t do the deed in spite of the hatred he feels towards Linda, we realise that he certainly would not murder anyone else and is therefore innocent, which makes it easier to support him later on.

Keep the Tension High, Even During the Climax - Whilst Offline is generally an effective script, the least impressive part is the climax. The twist, that the seemingly friendly Detective Trexler is the killer (She has also been playing the part of the helpful medium Mei), makes sense in retrospect, but the final act sees her give a clichéd rant about why she committed her crimes. Whilst her complicated scheme is explained quickly and effectively by the fact she's a sadist, it would have been a lot more effective if we were let in on some aspects of her backstory without being told of them, such as the fact that she lost an eye and the fact that she is not a real cop. Reducing the time spent giving an evil monologue would have made Trexler a more interesting and less conventional villain.

Another weak point is the final battle between Dave and Trexler. It features Trexler using Dave's blood to open the gates of hell, which causes everything in the house (including the bed) to fly into the air and various disgusting items, such as faeces and flies, to surface. Whilst it is memorable, it is too over-the-top and gross, losing a lot of the subtlety and creativity that defined the previous two acts. Whilst the script depends on translating the horror of the supernatural to a poorly-maintained and dilapidated setting, scaring the viewer should be more important than making them feel disgusted. Because of the lack of subtlety, the climax never feels scary. Therefore, it lacks the impact that it should have had, given the quality of the first two acts.

Good Descriptions Can Make A Character Even More Interesting – One of the strongest aspects of the script is the description of characters. Dave is introduced with a mention of his “Angelic face”.  This shows that, in spite of his flaws, he will be a fundamentally good character and the audience should support him. This also applies to Debbie, who is depicted as vivacious and innocent. The mention of the song “Brown Eyed Girl” in the introductory description refers not only to her eye colour, but also to her lively nature. This sets her up as a likeable and appealing character, but also foreshadows the fact that something will happen to her (In this case, it has already happened) as she is too good to be true.

The descriptions are also used to further the mystery. When Detective Trexler is introduced, she is described as being “Quirky” and having a “Kind Face”. These descriptions make her seem like a friendly character similar to Debbie, and this means that the audience trusts her. As a result, the reveal of her true personality comes across as a surprise.

Verdict

For the most part, Offline is a strong script. The use of the supernatural allows it to put a unique spin on its conventional storyline, the descriptions are striking and evocative, and the characters are worth following. However, it loses a lot of its power in the third act. Whilst the twists are both unpredictable and logical, the villain spends too much time ranting and the final fight is overblown. However, Offline is still interesting to read, and with a few changes to the climax, it could be made into a very interesting horror thriller.

Unproduced Scripts – The Microwaved Cat

So far, this blog has analysed a number of movies. All of them started life as a script, and over many months, they were slowly developed into films with the help of casts and crews of varying sizes, who refined the writer’s vision and transformed it into something which could be shown on a screen.

However, for every script that gets made into a movie, dozens remain unproduced. A large number of unproduced scripts can be found on sites such as http://www.simplyscripts.com/ and they can be just as valuable to trainee screenwriters as anything that has made it to the cinema. Today, we will be looking at The Microwaved Cat, a script which can either by accessed via SimplyScripts, or through following the link below.

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/TheMicrowavedCat.pdf

Who Wrote It?

Vincent Cailly                 

How Long is it?

The script is 82 pages long.

What’s it About?

Patrick Gambetta is a man who specialises in filing frivolous lawsuits against any business that can generate injury. His Litigious ways have become a focal point of New Jersey’s local elections. One of the candidates comes up with a novel plan to discredit him. He books Gambetta into a family hotel ran by Dave Grinder. Grinder wants to replace his hotel with a larger one, so he has to do everything he can to prevent himself from getting sued. Therefore, he hires an actress, Lawrence Dansley, to be part of a scheme to keep Gambetta under control. However, as Gambetta spends time in the hotel, he and Dansley begin to fall in love.

5 Screenwriting Lessons from the Microwaved Cat(The Following May Contain Spoiler)

Don’t Spend Too Much Time “Laying Pipe” – In his book “Save The Cat”, the screenwriter Blake Snyder coined the term “Laying Pipe” to describe the set-up that occurs during a movie’s first act. If it manages to be simple and effective, then it will engage the audience and encourage them to keep to keep reading the script. However, if it is done badly, it can be confusing and boring. In the case of The Microwaved Cat, the amount of time spent “Laying Pipe” is a serious problem. The scenes at the beginning featuring the two candidates for governor are mostly unnecessary, as the subplot vanishes when Gambetta books into Grinder’s hotel and sets off the main story. The highlight of this opening sequence is a scene where a political advisor explains to schoolchildren why frivolous lawsuits represent such a problem and why they should be stopped (The script gets its provocative title from the example of a frivolous lawsuit used in the explanation, which depicts a woman cooking her cat in a microwave and blaming the people who manufactured it). It is funny, unique, and sets up the story in a way that the rest of the opening sequence doesn’t.

Another problem is the fact that we see little of Gambetta during the first act. In fact, the focus is largely on Grinder as he tries to prepare for Gambetta’s arrival. However, Grinder is the script’s antagonist, and, by focusing on him at Gambetta’s expense, it makes Gambetta seem less developed and less sympathetic. When you have a protagonist engaged in morally questionable activities in a generally upbeat romantic comedy, you have to try and get the audience on their side as quickly as possible. Therefore, an antihero like Gambetta should be front and centre at the beginning, so that the audience may begin to develop an interest in him.

Scripts Depend on Vivid Descriptions – One of the strongest points of this script is the vivid description. This is particularly apparent at the midpoint of the script, when Gambetta and Lawrence go to a fundraiser held by Grinder and his employees. At one point, Gambetta enrols himself as a volunteer in a high-risk magic act. The sequence is written in short, simple sentences full of ellipsis. This ensures that it is tense and engaging, and the relief when Gambetta avoids injury can easily be felt by the reader.

The descriptions of the characters are pretty vague. When Gambetta is introduced, only his age is given. We know nothing about his physical appearance, and this makes it harder to envisage him as a character. However, on several occasions, minor characters such as the Hotel Bartender have their clothing and hairstyle described in elaborate detail. This ensures that they are more memorable than the protagonists, which is always a serious problem. At the very least, the main characters should be depicted just as vividly, if not more so, than the supporting cast.

Don’t Push Jokes Too Far – One of the major themes of the story is the fact that danger is everywhere and the risks of accident are always high. This is illustrated in a running gag that occurs during the second act, as Grinder takes every possible step to prevent Gambetta suing him. One method he uses to keep Gambetta happy is placing stickers over almost every item in Gambetta’s room, warning against misuse and preventing people like Gambetta from looking for ways to sue over any potential injury the product may cause. Some of these, such as a sticker on a bible saying that “This is a work of fiction: Please do not take it seriously” are clever and funny, but the joke stretches for too long, As a result, it loses a lot of its impact as the script progresses.

Make Sure We Know Who to Root For – Gambetta is a very interesting idea for a protagonist in what is essentially a lightweight romantic comedy. However, at the start of the story, he is far too unpleasant to be appealing. He lives off the proceeds of unnecessary lawsuits have destroyed hundreds of lives, and appears to feel no remorse for his actions. Eventually, when he is dining with Lawrence, Gambetta reveals a sympathetic back story – His sister was severely injured as a result of a freak accident in a shopping mall. This gives us insight into why Gambetta is so keen to expose unsafe practises, but up to this point, he hasn’t seemed like a very altruistic character, so that revelation is hard to buy. If Gambetta had shown moments of compassion earlier in the script, for example donating money to his poorer victims, then he would have been a more appealing protagonist, and the revelations about him would have not felt like a transparent attempt to make us realise that Gambetta is supposed to be the protagonist and not the antagonist.

Conversely, the antagonist, Grinder, is a bit too developed. He has a very strong motive which is developed from the outset (He wants to break away from his father’s business and develop his own vision) and a lot of focus is placed on his attempts to stop Gambetta from getting himself injured. However, he is designed to be an unsympathetic character, trying to stop Gambetta’s behaviour for entirely selfish reasons, and often behaving in highly unethical ways. In one scene, he essentially tortures Lawrence by sticking wax strips to her eyebrows and ripping them off. In spite of this, Grinder is the most prominent character in the first act, and this means that readers are likely to regard him as the protagonist instead of Gambetta. Given that the audience are supposed to sympathise with Gambetta and not Grinder, this is a big problem.

Don't Rush the Climax – The first act finishes with Gambetta’s arrival on Page 32, whilst the second act ends with Lawrence and Gambetta realising each other’s secrets on page 65. It takes another four pages of set-up to reach the courtroom climax between Gambetta and Grinder. Conventional wisdom states that the first and third acts should each last about a quarter of the script’s length, and the second act should last half. The fact that the second and third acts are shorter than they should be damages the story significantly, as it ensures that Gambetta and Lawrence’s character development is rushed.

Furthermore, Gambetta is a very passive character in the climax, with his lawyer doing the talking for him. Whilst Lawrence demonstrates that she has as she admits her love for Gambetta, Gambetta remains a static character. His decision to drop his lawsuit is presented as a major change, but he still gets what he wants (Lawrence’s hand in marriage) without having to assess his beliefs or realise how wrong his actions have been. As a result, the potential to give Gambetta a strong and interesting character arc goes unfulfilled.

Verdict              

This script has several positive features. Some of the jokes are genuinely funny, and the story is unique and interesting. However, it is very rushed, with too much focus on the set-up at the expense of the other two acts. The characters, Gambetta in particular, are underdeveloped and not likeable enough to be engaging. This feels a bit like a first draft that, with a few big changes, could easily be turned into an enjoyable Hollywood comedy.